In my long career as a masturbator (has to be about 22 plus years) I have tried with little success to find my masturbatory niche. Something that could push me ahead of the crowd, something that would really let me shine in the industry. Thus far, I am sad to report, this goal remains unfulfilled. I am still a run of the mill wanker. I have no techniques to share. No great story of the time I did something unheard of to my penis that resulted in orgasmic bliss. Instead, what I do have is a long list of things that have failed to produce any arousal in me at all and some things that barely allowed me to sustain engorgement.
So, for your perusal, I have provided an incomplete list of my unsuccessful masturbatory fodder. Just to be clear, in plain English, these are things I have attempted and failed to beat-off to:
Nightline
A tape of my 3rd birthday party
Various Teletubbies episodes
An antique wall clock
The sunrise
A bottle of wine with a naked girl on the label
The Sears catalogs
The Victoria Secrets catalogs
Fingerhut catalogs
Various inflight magazines
This very blog post
Vic’s vapo-rub
A book about the civil war
The film Sophie’s Choice
A squirrel I locked eyes with
A subway coupon
Nova ScienceNow
A receipt from the hardware store
A lazy mountain river
John Wayne’s headstone
The Tuff Gong logo
Meatloaf’s “Bat Outta Hell” record
A medical supply catalog from 1983
The flash introduction on Toyota.com
The idea of “unity”
Paul Harvey
Jack The Ripper walking tour
A blank 3.5 high-density floppy disk
An older Honda civic
The Turner Diaries
Lincoln Park Zoo’s penguin enclosure (just the structure not the Penguins)
Nicorette
A pan flute
Walter Payton’s rookie card
17 responses so far ↓
andrew // October 4, 2007 at 12:33 pm
You know what’s the worst? A video tape of yourself staring at the camera, asking over and over again, “What are you doing? WHAT-ARE-YOU-DOING?!!!” No good at all.
Tadd // October 11, 2007 at 3:07 pm
A squirrel I locked eyes with! Paul Harvey! I’m going to be laughing like a maniac at work tomorrow, and people are going to be all like, What are you laughing about? And I’m not going to be able to tell them.
Ibod Catooga // October 29, 2007 at 2:37 am
I jerked off on your mom’s face once.
She liked it.
laowaitattler // October 29, 2007 at 3:47 am
You failed to beat off to anything on this list?
Are you sure you are doing it right?
Maybe buying an instructional masturbation video would be helpful.
laowaitattler // October 29, 2007 at 3:49 am
You failed to beat off to anything on this list?
Are you sure you are doing it right?
Maybe buying an instructional masturbation video would be helpful.
Greg // October 29, 2007 at 4:30 am
Absolutely hysterical. Nightline almost made me pull a spit-take. The Tuff Gong logo had me rolling and the Turner Diaries had me crying. Brilliant. Oh and by the way, totally pulled off the Vic’s vapo-rub. It’s called persistence. Regret’s for afterwards. And I did. For like 5 minutes.
derek // October 29, 2007 at 7:06 am
RFC1918
Alicia // October 29, 2007 at 11:44 am
In general, men lack imagination. Supposedly they need visual stimulation, but yet lack the nuanced cognitive function required to distinguish more than eight colors in a box of crayons.
The author is attempting to make the point that he NEEDS!!!!!!! porn to jack-off. My reply is that there is nothing inherently wrong with porn, as long as it does not portray women as objects existing solely for some guy’s pleasure. This attitude is harmful to ALL women, but assholes never give a shit about women and then they wonder why women are contemptious of men.
You started it first, assholes. It’s your responsibility to end it.
Also, would the farkers please stop posting to metafilter. Intellectual retards are not as attractive as you seem to think.
Franki // October 29, 2007 at 11:57 am
But a newer Honda civic will do the job? Hirarious.
What up with Alicia? I wish I knew what a farker and metafilter was.
Corey // October 29, 2007 at 2:28 pm
I was especially amused by this entry:
“Lincoln Park Zoo’s penguin enclosure (just the structure not the Penguins)”
Does that imply, like I imagined, that he’s managed to wank to the penguins?
I like to think so.
frizzled // October 29, 2007 at 2:58 pm
“This attitude is harmful to ALL women, but assholes never give a shit about women and then they wonder why women are contemptious of men.”
I never got this attitude that porn somehow harms women. What if he’s gay? Does beating off to gay porn harm men? Of course it doesn’t.
Airwolf // October 30, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Somebody needs to wash the sand out of their feminazi vagina…
chillAxe // October 31, 2007 at 6:56 pm
I beat off so often it causes me to repeat myself.
chillAxe // October 31, 2007 at 6:57 pm
I beat off so often it causes me to repeat myself.
Bob // November 1, 2007 at 12:40 pm
A sandy vagina, I’m beating off to that now!
Alicia Fetishist // November 12, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Yeah Alicia. I used all eight of the colors in my box of crayons (after I beat off on them) and I drew a picture of you to beat off to and while I was beating off I realized that you exist solely as an object for my pleasure. That’s pretty much all I could do with my little tiny man-mind. Thanks for being my object.
Emi-san // November 17, 2007 at 5:05 pm
It’s true – some types of porn belittle a woman’s status as…well…a woman. We must keep in mind, however, that the women AGREE to be put in that position. If a woman does not respect herself, why, then, should a man?
Just my view not only as a human, but a female one, at that.
This was hilarious. =] Special moments with the squirrel…
I shall remember that every time I see one of the little furry guys.